Most of us postpone creating an Estate Plan.  Some postpone until it is too late and then those that follow us suffer.  Some of the common considerations are that we may feel:

	we don't have enough of an estate to worry about,
	we are too young,
	everything we own is joint property.

All of these reasons have some validity and should be taken into account. One of the main problems is that death has a way of happening when we least expect it.  Another problem is that sometimes we think everything is taken care of when in fact it is not.

We recommend that especially when you are starting a family, getting married, or forming a new relationship, you speak with an estate planning attorney about your situation and get professional advice.  You will then have the satisfaction of knowing you have done what you can to take care of your needs and those who depend upon you.

Over the years we have seen many people grapple with the question of whether to engage in estate planning or not. We have concluded that there are two primary reasons for the struggle - fear of death and problems with money.

• Death Is Inevitable

It is beyond the scope of this site to deal with the subject of the fear of death in any meaningful way. In fact, we have found that this is one of those deep seated, intractable issues that is not easily addressed through logical discourse. When asked, everyone knows that they will die - someday. It seems that the greater the certainty that someday may be near at hand propels many to take the plunge and plan their estate.

For the rest of us, there may be a myriad of psychological reasons for the hesitancy to plan for our death, but whatever the reasons, the cost of putting it off may be tremendous.

We have seen countless situations where the delay resulted in greatly increased cost and considerable inconvenience for the survivors. In some cases it meant that the clear wishes of the person were defeated by family members who ignored what they were told and did what they wanted.

Simply (and possibly harshly) put, estate planning is an act of maturity and responsibility. We congratulate you on having brought yourself this far in that process and urge you to use this opportunity to complete the planning of your estate.

• Money Issues

The way you deal with money is largely a function of what you inherited from your parents in this regard. You will bring most of the messages you received about money and possessions into your relationship without knowing it. You may find that your whole concept of earning, spending and saving money is shaped to a large degree by what happened as a child.

In many cases, a key component in the hesitancy to plan one's estate is the relationship one has with money. Therefore, we offer some thoughts on the subject that may be of value to you.

What does Money tell us to do?

That may seem like a strange question, but it begins to get at what we will be talking about here. We have found that our clients may talk with us about money issues when they are really dealing with interpersonal issues.

During the course of this discussion you may become challenged and even uncomfortable as difficult issues are raised. This is normal and to be expected. For the most part, money is seldom discussed freely in our culture. Yet most people would say that money is not a problem for them or their friends (except for the amount of it). There is a firm and hidden commitment to which most of us adhere-a commitment to keep everything regarding money at least slightly ambiguous and unclear.

Many of us have difficulty maintaining the discipline of balancing checkbooks; some of us cannot bear to know how much money we really have at any given moment. This feature of our humanity lives in our culture in the form of the joke that has a person say, "I must have money since I still have checks."

Our desire for ambiguity sometimes leads to problems with money. That is not what we will be discussing here. Rather, we will want to examine with you what impact money has on our life and our personal relationships.

What have we brought with us from our birth family in this regard? What impact does money have on how we relate (or fail to relate) to another person?

• EMOTIONAL ASPECT

From the emotional perspective there are five broad areas for you to consider.

The Role of Money and Possessions

Money is one of two primary arenas in which interpersonal problems occur (the other is sex). We both fight about and can't talk about money easily. In a business or personal relationship, any issue which is off limits or which you have to walk on egg shells about, interferes with closeness and creates distance.

Money is frequently the vehicle for the use of power, control and domination. Where there is unequal earning ability or possessions, the person with the greater assets may use that fact as a means of getting his/her way. It is usually done without verbalizing this power dynamic, for often to speak it is to defuse, expose and weaken the power.

The one with assets of lesser value may feel intimidated and less than the other. Likewise, this may be a means for the one with fewer assets to assert power over the other. Often it is apparent that the "richer" of the two has some guilt about that fact and the "poorer" can utilize that to gain power and control.

The utilization of money and possessions can be even subtler. For example, your sensitivity to the value of an object or the extent or lack thereof of your possessions may be a factor causing you to avoid close relationships. The amount of money you earn can be another factor that either gives rise to fear, pride, resentment or shame, and therefore inhibit intimacy.

There are many forms of the use of money and possessions to gain power and control over others. If you are willing to be honest and a bit fearless in looking at how you manipulate others in this way, you will gain a great deal of freedom in life and be a happier person.

Money in Your Family of Origin/Significant Life Events

Factors from your past influence your attitudes, values, beliefs, and fears about money. You have received messages from your significant family members and identify life events which might have affected you and therefore impact your current or potential relationships.

Just close your eyes and listen to your parents for a minute to gain access to this. "Money doesn't grow on trees, you know"; "I worked hard for this money and you're just throwing it away"; "You have to stay in the same job so you don't end up on the street"; etc.

As an exercise, you may try writing some of these down and then examining their impact on your life and relationship.

• Relationship Styles

Your relationship style effects everything you do and you bring it with you wherever you go. Your primary style may relate to the need for breathing room, the fear of abandonment, or a balancing act between the two. Your style may be "no relationship" or "I need one and can't find the right person." Much of these approaches comes from our acquired backgrounds.

Single people are inundated with the message that one is not whole or complete unless in a primary relationship. this is, of course, nonsense. Whether one is in such a relationship or not is an individual matter and each person needs to inner strength to make the choice about being in a relationship based upon what is best for them.

Unmarried couples are exposed to a great deal of pressure to emulate the married world. We are told that only marriage is a "real" relationship and therefore it should be mimicked to the greatest extent possible. As a consequence, some unmarried couples merge bank accounts, overlook resentments about sharing money and take other steps that they think will "prove" how much they care about their partner.

Neither being single nor any form of relationship is better in the abstract. What is important is that you be willing to be honest with yourself. Do not accept any pressure or guilt for what you want. It is your life and you deserve to live it exactly the way that is meant for you.

Questions to Ask Yourself

• Here are some questions we have used in workshops on the topic that you may find useful.
• What is the current balance of your checking account? Is this a guess or do you really know?
• Do you have a written monthly budget that guides your use of money? If not, is it because you don't want to be limited to a budget? Because you don't want to know how you spend money?
• Who has the legal authority to handle your money transactions if you are temporarily not able to do so?
• With regard to money, finances, possessions, what don't you talk about anyone? What do you imagine would happen if you did? What do you wish you could talk about?
• What money messages did you receive from your father? From your mother? From other significant family members? What significant life events have affected your relationship with money?
• If you were asked by someone today to be in a relationship, what would you fear?
• If you were hospitalized' would anyone be allowed to visit you in intensive care? Who would make the decisions about your health care if you couldn't?